Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Randomize
