I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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