"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
