A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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