I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Randomize
