According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
