just come out here and I will go home with you...
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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