You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
