On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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