took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
