so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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