my phone needs a breathalizer
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I intend to get homeless drunk
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
