Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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