Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
