yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
