Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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