I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
