The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
