I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Randomize
