at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize
