Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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