yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
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