I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Randomize
