Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
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