Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Randomize
