i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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