I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
he thought i was a dude.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
