last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
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