I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
