i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
