A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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