I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
