as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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