U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
