Just fell off a train. Bad.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
