ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
