Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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