i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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