I cut my penus on the lid.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
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