she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Randomize
