he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Randomize
