why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
