Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
