R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
