I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
