this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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