This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
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