I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
