Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
