awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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