he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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